Congratulations, you’ve really stuck with your New Year’s
Resolution of going to the gym! You deserve a cake. But it has fruits and vegetables in it! It’s healthy! It’s only 350 calories per
serving! (Let's disregard the fact that there’s 15 servings in this cake for the sake of
our MyFitnessPal entries shall we?)
Here’s your recipe!
Ok, get all your shit together and take a photo for when you
rewrite this blog professionally for money.
Here it is. Wow! Ohh, Ahh. |
1.
Alright, mix up your dry ingredients and set aside. I
also added a teaspoon of ginger.
Altering the recipe already. Who do I think I am?
2.
Grate your carrot with the cheese grater that
came in a pack of kitchen tools you got freshman year of college. This will
take approximately 100 years. This thing is a piece of shiiieeet. (Note: This was written in Clay Davis’s voice, by the way.)
Sheeeeeiiiitttttt. |
3.
Become wildly frustrated by shitty grater.
4.
Frighten animals with agitated cursing.
See: Fear |
5.
Have momentary freak out that you just saved
this draft document to your work’s shared computer. Remember that your boss is your
facebook friend and will probably read this anyways. (Hi Susan!)
6.
Successfully bribe any roommates, significant
others or strangers living in your home into doing your work for you while you
blog.
I found this homeless man on the street and solicited his help. |
7.
Butter and flour your cake pan. You will have to
do this twice, because you only have one pan, because the other one was reappropriated
as a dish for the chicken’s water. It’s the price you pay for those farm fresh eggs
that you are not using in this recipe because chickens are real useless at
laying eggs in winter.
Note: The chickens have a really nice water dispenser now and I have no idea where that pan is.
Note: The chickens have a really nice water dispenser now and I have no idea where that pan is.
8.
Combine your wet ingredients and sugar.
Important Question: Seriously, why does buttermilk only come in a quart? I’ve never needed that much buttermilk ever. |
9.
Mix the walnuts, coconut and carrots. You got
these from the dry food bins at whole foods, which you have totally done before
because you are healthy AND hip. You definitely didn’t need to wait to see
where the girl with dreadlocks in yoga pants got the bags from.
10. You
should know that you are are wildly bad at estimating how much a cup is. You
should have at least a cup left over of both walnuts and coconut. Later in this
blog you will claim you did this on purpose, for the garnish.
11. Omit
raisins from the recipe, because raisins are bullshit. They are liars
pretending to be chocolate chips.
Disgusting. |
12. At
this point you should accidentally delete the recipe from the app on your phone
and then panic until you relocate it.
13. Other than that, this
recipe is going very smoothly. It definitely has nothing to do with abstaining
from alcohol though, don’t worry. Lucky coincidence. Wine forever!
14. Holy
shit this cake has to go in the over for an hour? Don’t want to do that twice.
Improvise.
Also maybe read your recipes all the way through before you start
cooking. |
15. Ok,
so there was no butter in that cake, so let’s go ahead and use a whole stick for
the frosting. Butter!
16. Add
cream cheese, vanilla and sugar. Soften all of these things or else you will
have to de-clog your kitchen aid like five hundred thousand flippityscrillion
times, no exaggeration. Also that is a real number. That I made up.
17. Add a couple teaspoons of maple syrup to
your frosting for shits and giggles. If your maple syrup is a product of Canada or comes from a
container shaped like a person, a real life Vermonter will crash through your
door and punch you in the face.
18. Realize
you have not had any dinner. Go ahead and stick a pizza in with the cake, so it
will all be ready at the same time and you can eat pizza while your cake cools.
I’m a goddamn genius.
19. Pack your lunch for tomorrow and do
laundry. This has nothing to do with the recipe, I just wanted to let you guys
know that I am not always drunk and actually pretty responsible. #explainibrag
20. Be
really glad you checked on your cakes after 30 minutes, because they are done.
21. Miraculously,
the cakes slide out of their respective pans beautifully. This buttering and
flouring the pan business is awesome. Take that, $32 springform pan that I couldn't
afford. I don’t need you!
22. Pizza Intermission. Cake cools.
23. Trim Edges. Frost Cake. Garnish.
24. Holy
Shit! It’s fantastic. And too pretty to eat. So take pictures and dip the edges
in leftover frosting.
Hell Yeah. |
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