Cooking Like A Pro with Emma: New Year, New Cake Recipe

Congratulations, you’ve really stuck with your New Year’s Resolution of going to the gym! You deserve a cake. But it has fruits and vegetables in it! It’s healthy! It’s only 350 calories per serving!  (Let's disregard the fact that there’s 15 servings in this cake for the sake of our MyFitnessPal entries shall we?)

Here’s your recipe!

Ok, get all your shit together and take a photo for when you rewrite this blog professionally for money. 

Here it is. Wow! Ohh, Ahh.

1.     Alright, mix up your dry ingredients and set aside. I also added a teaspoon of ginger.  Altering the recipe already. Who do I think I am?

2.     Grate your carrot with the cheese grater that came in a pack of kitchen tools you got freshman year of college. This will take approximately 100 years. This thing is a piece of shiiieeet. (Note: This was written in Clay Davis’s voice, by the way.)

Sheeeeeiiiitttttt.

3.     Become wildly frustrated by shitty grater.

4.     Frighten animals with agitated cursing.

See: Fear

5.     Have momentary freak out that you just saved this draft document to your work’s shared computer. Remember that your boss is your facebook friend and will probably read this anyways. (Hi Susan!)

6.     Successfully bribe any roommates, significant others or strangers living in your home into doing your work for you while you blog.

I found this homeless man on the street and solicited his help.

7.     Butter and flour your cake pan. You will have to do this twice, because you only have one pan, because the other one was reappropriated as a dish for the chicken’s water. It’s the price you pay for those farm fresh eggs that you are not using in this recipe because chickens are real useless at laying eggs in winter.

Note: The chickens have a really nice water dispenser now and I have no idea where that pan is.

8.     Combine your wet ingredients and sugar. 

Important Question: Seriously, why does buttermilk only come in a quart? I’ve never needed that much buttermilk ever.

9.     Mix the walnuts, coconut and carrots. You got these from the dry food bins at whole foods, which you have totally done before because you are healthy AND hip. You definitely didn’t need to wait to see where the girl with dreadlocks in yoga pants got the bags from.

10. You should know that you are are wildly bad at estimating how much a cup is. You should have at least a cup left over of both walnuts and coconut. Later in this blog you will claim you did this on purpose, for the garnish. 

11. Omit raisins from the recipe, because raisins are bullshit. They are liars pretending to be chocolate chips.

Disgusting.

12. At this point you should accidentally delete the recipe from the app on your phone and then panic until you relocate it. 

13. Other than that, this recipe is going very smoothly. It definitely has nothing to do with abstaining from alcohol though, don’t worry. Lucky coincidence. Wine forever!

14. Holy shit this cake has to go in the over for an hour? Don’t want to do that twice. Improvise. 

Also maybe read your recipes all the way through before you start cooking.

15. Ok, so there was no butter in that cake, so let’s go ahead and use a whole stick for the frosting. Butter!

16. Add cream cheese, vanilla and sugar. Soften all of these things or else you will have to de-clog your kitchen aid like five hundred thousand flippityscrillion times, no exaggeration. Also that is a real number. That I made up.

17.  Add a couple teaspoons of maple syrup to your frosting for shits and giggles. If your maple syrup is a product of Canada or comes from a container shaped like a person, a real life Vermonter will crash through your door and punch you in the face.

18. Realize you have not had any dinner. Go ahead and stick a pizza in with the cake, so it will all be ready at the same time and you can eat pizza while your cake cools. I’m a goddamn genius.

19.  Pack your lunch for tomorrow and do laundry. This has nothing to do with the recipe, I just wanted to let you guys know that I am not always drunk and actually pretty responsible. #explainibrag

20. Be really glad you checked on your cakes after 30 minutes, because they are done. 

21. Miraculously, the cakes slide out of their respective pans beautifully. This buttering and flouring the pan business is awesome. Take that, $32 springform pan that I couldn't afford. I don’t need you!

22. Pizza Intermission. Cake cools.

23.  Trim Edges. Frost Cake. Garnish.

24. Holy Shit! It’s fantastic. And too pretty to eat. So take pictures and dip the edges in leftover frosting.

Hell Yeah.