Hi, I’m a college graduatewith a 3.8 GPA in forty
thousand dollars of debt who works in the service industry for $2.11 an hour. I
have no hobbies, no friends and no free time.
Jealous?
Perhaps there are some things I can do to
make my life more rewarding and emotionally satisfying?
No?
Well, how about some things I should stop
doing?
Okay.
1.
NAPPING
In my educated opinion; sleeping is the
bomb diggity. Scientists say so! Getting lots of sleep is important, they say!
You’ll be smarter and thinner and better at everything you do, they say! Naps
are the answer to all my worldly woes.
I personally will choose sleeping over
nearly any other activity. In
fact, it trumps most of my other basic human needs and requirements. Here are
some examples of my rationale.
Hungry?
Sleep is nourishing. I’m pretty sure it
burns calories. It’s making me skinnier at least, because I’m not eating.
Have to pee?
Sleep it off. It’ll pass
Sexual Intercourse?
HAH! Please. This isn’t even a basic need, who came up with this shit?
I award myself with the title of Nap
Champion
I’m so good at sleeping, sometimes I nap between double shifts at
work. I should have a master’s degree and be in peak physical shape with all
the naps I take. What’s the deal? WHERE IS MY REDEMPTION, SCIENCE?
I should probably wake up and get my shit
together.
2. WATCHING MY FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOWS
The nice thing about being an aspiring
television writer is that I can tell myself that watching TV is really like
studying. I should watch more so as to become a master in my field!
Let me tell you about my favorite shows.
They are Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Futurama. I have watched them both too
many times.
Sometimes, after I finish re-watching aforementioned shows, I have
become so attached to the characters I develop a form of fictional separation
anxiety and have to immediately start the season over again so I don’t suffer
from depression. One time I tried to watch Angel when I finished a round of
BTVS, and I nearly died.
Maybe I need to ween myself off these
shows. Just like in season six of Buffy when Willow has to ween herself off
magic so she doen’t turn in to evil Willow again! Or that episode of Futurama
when Fry gets addicted to Slurm?
I need to expand my television horizons.
3. GOING ON FACEBOOK
Going on facebook is really bad for me,
because everyone on facebook is a
FUCKING LIAR. Including me.
But especially these guys:
Kid from High School Who I Sorta had a
Crush On:
Why would you make me think that all you do
is hike around awesome and scenic locations where the weather is always great
with your good looking and in-shape girlfriend? I could have been that girl if you knew who I was or I spoke to you more than once!
Random Friend’s Sister Who Added me as a
Friend
Why do you have such an awesome social
life, when I have none? All of your friends so supportive, you will never be
lonely. You must be a better person than me.
Friend Who is Studying Abroad:
Your college education is awesome. You will
totally get a job in the real world before me because of your amazing and eye-opening
experiences drinking liquor all over the world.
Thank You, Friend Who is Too Young to Have
a Baby and Oversharing Friend in an Unhealthy Relationship for giving me some
hope that my life is not the worst.
I really need to stop going on facebook.
Comparing yourself to others leads to indulgences in other dangerous regions of
the internet including:
4. PLAYING INTERNET GAMES
My name is Emma, and I am a facebook game
addict. I played farmville, cityville, zoo world, sims social, all
pointlessville. Yes, I will clog up your facebook feed with requests. I AM THAT
GIRL.
For six months I played a game called
Treasure Island. Every day.
Let me tell you about this game, just so
you can understand the rock-bottomness of my addiction.
You are on a cartoon island. You click on
squares. Sometimes you find treasure. The treasure is that you get more energy
to click on squares, and find more treasure.
SIX MONTHS PEOPLE. EVERY DAY. WHY WOULD I
DO THIS? WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS?
My name is Emma and I spend more time
digging up imaginary treasure than I do talking to humans in real life.
Unless you count talking to customers,
which is the worst…
5. COMPLAINING ABOUT MY JOB
I hate my job. It is the worst. If you have
ever waited tables, you know. My parents totally lied to me and told me if I didn't go to college, I would have to work as a waitress for the rest of my life. I showed them!
I work 50 hours a week. My boss is a huge
jerk.
We all know how this goes.
But as it turns out, adult humans need income
to exist in the world, and you have to participate in some un-fun activities to
buy yourself a sweet mattress to take naps on and splurge on high speed
internet so you can play facebook games with no lag.
More cheerfully bitter posts coming soon! Stay Tuned!
