Cooking Like A Pro with Emma

Welcome to La Cucina de Emma. Here we will attempt cooking, and despite spending 40+ hours a week observing professionals, we will be surprised at how bad we are at it in just 27 easy steps.


1. Decide to be vegetarian for one week. No more than that; don't be ludicrous.

 

Ahahaha, get it? 

2. Decide on a challenging recipe that spans well outside of your cooking abilities. Challenging yourself is important. It's how we grow.

3. Here is what we are cooking. Yummers!

 

4. Start by prepping your ingredients. As soon as you do that, get distracted and spend 45 minutes reorganizing your kitchen

5. Now we are ready. Wait, no! Drinking. Make sure you are drinking.

6. Ok, for real now. Follow the recipe and cut up your garlic, jalapenos and ginger. Remind yourself not to touch eyes, because of previous negative experiences.

7. Cut up onions.

8. Be completely debilitated by weak eyes.

9. Retrieve goggles to cut up onions. Sexy.

10. Goggles to not work. Forget about step 6 and rub eyes. Sting for 3 minutes over intense heat.

11. Begin sauteing onions.

12. Decide now would be a great time to start writing this blog post.

13. Miraculously do not burn onions.

14. More drinking.

15. Follow some other steps. Get hungry while cooking and enjoy a bowl of cheerios.

16.  Catch self putting in 3/4 of a tablespoon of cayenne pepper. Switch to teaspoon. Lucky break.

17. Should be smelling awesome, looking pretty gross at this point.

 Yum?

18. Add tomatoes. Discover that you have subconsciously touched your lips, which now burn also. Vow to never cook with jalapenos again.

19. Accidentally click away from recipe while looking for hilarious photos of Ludicrous. Scramble to find again.

20. Recover. Reward self with alcohol.

21. Simmer for one millions years. (You should struggle with time measurement because of hunger and burning eyes/face)

22. Become shocked about how messy kitchen has become. How? Consider that it will pass the time until eating if you clean.

23. Do dishes. Good job, you are being a responsible adult. This will cancel out the day drinking.

24. Use Google to discover washing your hands with olive oil will be successful in getting your hands and sink very oily, but not in getting the spice out of your skin like the internet said it would. INTERNET WHY!?

25. Meal is now done. Forget to take a picture before you eat it for blog. Consider this a good sign, you have cooked a tasty meal.

26. Remember at the beginning of this post you arbitrarily said that there would be 27 steps?

27. There are! Congratulations.