Thursday, October 11, 2012

I Am A Terrible Film Major


For about three years, it has been my new year's resolution to watch AFI's Top 100 Films. So far, the list I've got is pretty unimpressive. How did I ever get a film degree? Mysteries abounding.
 (I have watched like 28/30 of the  A.V. Club's Best TV Series of The 00's; but that just shows you where my priorities lie.)

1. Citizen Kane, 1941.
2. The Godfather, 1972.
3. Casablanca, 1942.
4. Raging Bull, 1980.
5. Singin' in the Rain, 1952.
6. Gone With the Wind, 1939.
7. Lawrence of Arabia, 1962.
8. Schindler's List, 1993.
9. Vertigo, 1958.
10. The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
11. City Lights, 1931.
12. The Searchers, 1956.
13. Star Wars, 1977.
14. Psycho, 1960.
15. 2001: A Space Odyssey, 1968.
16. Sunset Blvd., 1950.
17. The Graduate, 1967.
18. The General, 1927.
19. On the Waterfront, 1954.
20. It's a Wonderful Life, 1946.
21. Chinatown, 1974.
22. Some Like It Hot, 1959.
23. The Grapes of Wrath, 1940.
24. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, 1982.
25. To Kill a Mockingbird, 1962.
26. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, 1939.
27. High Noon, 1952.
28. All About Eve, 1950.
29. Double Indemnity, 1944.
30. Apocalypse Now, 1979.
31. The Maltese Falcon, 1941.
32. The Godfather Part II, 1974.
33. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, 1975.
34. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, 1937.
35. Annie Hall, 1977.
36. The Bridge on the River Kwai, 1957.
37. The Best Years of Our Lives, 1946.
38. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, 1948.
39. Dr. Strangelove, 1964.
40. The Sound of Music, 1965.
41. King Kong, 1933.
42. Bonnie and Clyde, 1967.
43. Midnight Cowboy, 1969.
44. The Philadelphia Story, 1940.
45. Shane, 1953.
46. It Happened One Night, 1934.
47. A Streetcar Named Desire, 1951.
48. Rear Window, 1954.
49. Intolerance, 1916.
50. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, 2001.
51. West Side Story, 1961.
52. Taxi Driver, 1976.
53. The Deer Hunter, 1978.
54. M-A-S-H, 1970.
55. North by Northwest, 1959.
56. Jaws, 1975.
57. Rocky, 1976.
58. The Gold Rush, 1925.
59. Nashville, 1975.
60. Duck Soup, 1933.
61. Sullivan's Travels, 1941.
62. American Graffiti, 1973.
63. Cabaret, 1972.
64. Network, 1976.
65. The African Queen, 1951.
66. Raiders of the Lost Ark, 1981.
67. Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, 1966.
68. Unforgiven, 1992.
69. Tootsie, 1982.
70. A Clockwork Orange, 1971.
71. Saving Private Ryan, 1998.
72. The Shawshank Redemption, 1994.
73. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, 1969.
74. The Silence of the Lambs, 1991.
75. In the Heat of the Night, 1967.
76. Forrest Gump, 1994.
77. All the President's Men, 1976.
78. Modern Times, 1936.
79. The Wild Bunch, 1969.
80. The Apartment, 1960.
81. Spartacus, 1960.
82. Sunrise, 1927.
83. Titanic, 1997.
84. Easy Rider, 1969.
85. A Night at the Opera, 1935.
86. Platoon, 1986.
87. 12 Angry Men, 1957.
88. Bringing Up Baby, 1938.
89. The Sixth Sense, 1999.
90. Swing Time, 1936.
91. Sophie's Choice, 1982.
92. Goodfellas, 1990.
93. The French Connection, 1971.
94. Pulp Fiction, 1994.
95. The Last Picture Show, 1971.
96. Do the Right Thing, 1989.
97. Blade Runner, 1982.
98. Yankee Doodle Dandy, 1942.
99. Toy Story, 1995.
100. Ben-Hur, 1959.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Five Things I have Learned From Living in the South


1.     There is no such thing as “iced tea” – one must specify if it is sweet or unsweet.

2.     Collard greens are gross.

3.     I am no longer offended by perfect strangers calling me “baby.”

4.     Cockroaches will surely reign here after the apocalypse. There is chance of their takeover even now.

5.     People do not know what the word “cold” actually means, but they seem to use it all the time.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Television Awards Ceremony

Thank you all for coming. Today, I will be honoring television shows for awards in categories that I made up.

1. Best Premise/Plot

Nominees:

Weeds
True Blood
Six Feet Under
Breaking Bad

The winner is...
Breaking Bad: For Being 100% Unpredictable



2. Best Character Development

Nominees:

Girls
Skins
How I Met Your Mother
Mad Men

The winner is...

Skins: Because the reinvent themselves every two seasons and the characters are always spot on.


3. Best Series Finale

Nominees:

Six Feet Under
Venture Brothers
Buffy
Dawson's Creek

The winner is...

Six Feet Under. Never has their been such a conclusive, satisfying, relvant, thought provoking ending to anything, ever.


4. Characters I Wish I could be Friends With in Real Life The Most

Nominees:

Buffy
How I Met Your Mother
Workaholics
Freaks and Geeks

Winner...

Giles, Buffy, Willow and Xander. Duh.


5. Best "Comedic" Show That Actually Makes You Cry 

Nominees:

Futurama
Dead Like Me
Wilfred
Spaced

Winner...

The "Jurassic Bark" Episode of Futurama


6. Most Awesome and Symbolic Cinematography

Nominees:

Breaking Bad
Mad Men
Sopranos
Walking Dead

Winner...

Mad Men. Killing me without dialogue all the time.

Note: Walking Dead only lost because the plot is FUCKING TERRIBLE. Being pretty isn't everything. 

7. Most Genuine Character Ever

Nominees:

Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Felicia Day, The Guild
Nancy Botwin, Weeds
Adam Levine, Workaholics


Winner...


Felicia Day

8. Best Commentary on the Happenings in the World and Industry

Nominees:
 
Community
30 Rock
Portlandia
Newsroom

Winner....

Community. Meta.



9. Guiltiest Pleasures

Nominees:

Adventure Time with Finn and Jake
Glee
Being Human

...I can't go on. It's Glee. I'm ashamed. No pictures.



10.  Most Disappointing Series Finales


Nominees:

Lost
Sopranos
Dead Like Me
Pushing Daisies

The Winner (Loser):

LOST. For Real.




(Applause.)
(Dispute.)

End.


Sunday, August 19, 2012

5 Things I Really Need to Stop Doing in Order to Make My Life Less Pathetic



Hi, I’m a college graduatewith a 3.8 GPA in forty thousand dollars of debt who works in the service industry for $2.11 an hour. I have no hobbies, no friends and no free time. 

Jealous?

Perhaps there are some things I can do to make my life more rewarding and emotionally satisfying?
No?
Well, how about some things I should stop doing?
Okay.


1.     NAPPING

In my educated opinion; sleeping is the bomb diggity. Scientists say so! Getting lots of sleep is important, they say! You’ll be smarter and thinner and better at everything you do, they say! Naps are the answer to all my worldly woes.

I personally will choose sleeping over nearly any other activity.  In fact, it trumps most of my other basic human needs and requirements. Here are some examples of my rationale.

Hungry?
Sleep is nourishing. I’m pretty sure it burns calories. It’s making me skinnier at least, because I’m not eating.

Have to pee?
Sleep it off. It’ll pass

Sexual Intercourse?
HAH! Please. This isn’t even a basic need, who came up with this shit?

I award myself with the title of  Nap Champion

I’m so good at sleeping, sometimes I nap between double shifts at work. I should have a master’s degree and be in peak physical shape with all the naps I take. What’s the deal? WHERE IS MY REDEMPTION, SCIENCE?

I should probably wake up and get my shit together.


2.     WATCHING MY FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOWS

The nice thing about being an aspiring television writer is that I can tell myself that watching TV is really like studying. I should watch more so as to become a master in my field!

Let me tell you about my favorite shows. They are Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Futurama. I have watched them both too many times.

Sometimes, after I finish re-watching aforementioned shows, I have become so attached to the characters I develop a form of fictional separation anxiety and have to immediately start the season over again so I don’t suffer from depression. One time I tried to watch Angel when I finished a round of BTVS, and I nearly died.

Maybe I need to ween myself off these shows. Just like in season six of Buffy when Willow has to ween herself off magic so she doen’t turn in to evil Willow again! Or that episode of Futurama when Fry gets addicted to Slurm?

I need to expand my television horizons.

3.     GOING ON FACEBOOK

Going on facebook is really bad for me, because everyone on facebook is  a FUCKING LIAR. Including me. 

But especially these guys:

Kid from High School Who I Sorta had a Crush On:
Why would you make me think that all you do is hike around awesome and scenic locations where the weather is always great with your good looking and in-shape girlfriend? I could have been that girl if you knew who I was or I spoke to you more than once!

Random Friend’s Sister Who Added me as a Friend
Why do you have such an awesome social life, when I have none? All of your friends so supportive, you will never be lonely. You must be a better person than me.

Friend Who is Studying Abroad:
Your college education is awesome. You will totally get a job in the real world before me because of your amazing and eye-opening experiences drinking liquor all over the world.

Thank You, Friend Who is Too Young to Have a Baby and Oversharing Friend in an Unhealthy Relationship for giving me some hope that my life is not the worst.

I really need to stop going on facebook. Comparing yourself to others leads to indulgences in other dangerous regions of the internet including:

4.     PLAYING INTERNET GAMES

My name is Emma, and I am a facebook game addict. I played farmville, cityville, zoo world, sims social, all pointlessville. Yes, I will clog up your facebook feed with requests. I AM THAT GIRL.

For six months I played a game called Treasure Island. Every day.
Let me tell you about this game, just so you can understand the rock-bottomness of my addiction.

You are on a cartoon island. You click on squares. Sometimes you find treasure. The treasure is that you get more energy to click on squares, and find more treasure.

SIX MONTHS PEOPLE. EVERY DAY. WHY WOULD I DO THIS? WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS?

My name is Emma and I spend more time digging up imaginary treasure than I do talking to humans in real life.

Unless you count talking to customers, which is the worst…

5.     COMPLAINING ABOUT MY JOB

I hate my job. It is the worst. If you have ever waited tables, you know. My parents totally lied to me and told me if I didn't go to college, I would have to work as a waitress for the rest of my life. I showed them!

I work 50 hours a week. My boss is a huge jerk.

We all know how this goes.

But as it turns out, adult humans need income to exist in the world, and you have to participate in some un-fun activities to buy yourself a sweet mattress to take naps on and splurge on high speed internet so you can play facebook games with no lag.





More cheerfully bitter posts coming soon! Stay Tuned!

Friday, July 20, 2012

This is the trendy new thing to do. Instead of backpacking around Europe or finding religion in Asia after graduation, I will start a blog and talk about significantly less amazing things and people on the internet will allegedly be interested, for some reason.

But really; I intend to make this blog a collection of things I find interesting, moments I'd like to remember and creative inspiration. If those things don't work out, I hope this blog can at least a source motivation when the crushing failure and insecurity that comes with a desire to create art brings me down.

On that note, here is a song that I must always remember and take to heart forever.

Die, Vampires. Die.
[title of show]