Friday, December 5, 2014

Cooking Like a Pro With Emma (and LKel and Beard): Thanksgiving Edition!

Fifteen days after Thanksgiving seems like as good a time as any to share a this step-by-step tutorial on how to make Pumpkin Pie! Or stuffing. I'm not 100%

1.     Dress up for your Thanksgiving meal. I decided on Juicy sweatpants, fuzzy slippers and a shirt that is ambiguous on whether or not you are wearing a bra, because I am a classy woman.

2.     Start by finding a recipe for Pumpkin Pie, because you walked in to this prepared. Side note: Turkey will be done in like 35 minutes. Timing.

3.     Forget that you did not buy pre-made crust. Curse Self.

4.     Take first recipe you find off Google search. Make Laura smash graham crackers. She is a good helper. 

5.     Feel ingenious for buying cinnamon graham crackers instead of lame, regular kind of graham cracker. That’s gunna be good. Your cooking is so inventive. Way to be. 

6.      Before you even start the pie, get distracted by the fact you haven’t made stuffing yet. Take care of that real quick.

7.     Get distracted again by the idea of making spiced eggnog. 

8.     “Basic bitches love spiced eggnog” – Laura Kellum

9.     Drink rose. Basic bitches also love Rose. Embrace it. You’re wearing juicy sweatpants. THANKSGIVING IS NOT A TIME FOR JUDGEMENT. 

10. Realize you don’t have a springform pan. Worry about this later.

11. You have none of the ingredients for your stuffing, which is literally just an onion and some chicken stock. Things are looking grave.

12. Try to melt butter in microwave. It makes a very concerning smell. Make Beard melt it on the stove instead.

13. Is this butter for the pie or stuffing? Not sure. Mull it over with some wine. 

14. Finish glass of rose. Be drunk immediately because it’s the only thing you’ve had to eat/drink today.

15. Encounter first of many problems.

16. Lost 1/3 cup measure. Everything in this recipe is in 1/3 cup measurements. Just eyeball it.

17. This pie is going to take three hours. Dinner is in like 20 minutes. 

18. Get distracted by skyping with parents. Laura Kellum secretly does the dishes, because she has a cleaning problem. See photo evidence below:

Yes, this is Laura Kellum vacuuming crumbs off her own Thanksgiving Table, Monica Geller Style

19. Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes.  There is no pie. Panic.

20. So much more distraction, lose track of blog post. The stuffing is also not ready. Dinner is in 5 minutes. 

21. Throw all ingredients into Kitchen Aid Mixer in no particular order and blend. For the pie, not the stuffing. Wait, what are we making?

22. More panic. Beard saves the day by using turkey juices to make stuffing. Laura Kellum saves day by actually staying on task and making pie. 

23. Hey, this looks right!
Featured: Blog Post; Rose

24. Put pie in the oven.

25. Stuff face with delicious turkey and take credit for delicious stuffing you did not actively participate in making. 

26. Pie will take like 25 minutes longer than recipe declares it will. Take it out every three minutes to poke it with a toothpick, and then exclaim “How is this not done yet!?” This ensures thorough cooking. 

27. Wait for pie to COOL?! (like people have time for that, I mean, really.)

28. After using extent of willpower to wait for pie, (25 minutes) break and eat it slightly warm pie. It is delicious. Waiting is for chumps. 

29.  Enjoy rest of Thanksgiving. Be thankful for friends who stop by and don’t judge you for being drunk and wearing pajamas while it’s still daylight. You guys know who you are.
Happy Pajamasgiving, Everyone!

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