What's in your (Self-Indulgent) Wallet?

Hello, Welcome to my new blog series, "Me me me, Let's Talk about Me" 

I'll go back to cooking soon, Okay! I've just been really in to frozen pizza lately, which does not make for an interesting blog post.

So, a while back I was obsessed with Jason Travis's photo series, "Persona" where he takes portraits of people and the contents of their bags. I just love little sneak previews into stranger's universes. "That is why the internet is the best," She creeped, creepily. But really, it's why I love the blogosphere so much. I just want to know every detail of your life. Tell me about it.

So anyways, I decided I wanted to do it to, and so I did. So here's my stuff.

My Wallet-

I'm going to start this out with some great life advice. Do not buy a wallet that is one, expensive, and two, white. This thing is covered in pen, and hasn't been truly white since day two of living in my bag.

Planner-

I’m so organized,  that I bring this with me everywhere and very VERY rarely do I actually take it out of my bag! 

Lint Roller-

Two dogs and a cat. If you've ever met Jake VanWolfhausen, you know. 

Chewable Papaya Enzyme -

This shit is my JAM, you guys. Does your stomach ever hurt? Keep this with you. Insta-Relief, also works if you run out of -

Wintergreen Breathmints-

Fuck you, Peppermint. Chapstick/Liqiud Eyliner –

Makeup essentials. Gotta make sure your eyeliner on point, because everyone knows that the sucess of your day will be measured by how easy it is to make your eyeliner even in the morning. Get it right on both eyes, first time? Buy a lottery ticket, you’re gunna have a good day. 

Toothbrush/Toothpaste/Floss-

Look, I work for 15 hours straight sometimes, and there is nothing like an early evening rushed toothbrushing in a restaurant bathroom to get you revitalized for your shift, let me tell you.

Advil-

This is truly essential. Carrying painkillers with you will positively make you a celebrity amongst your peers, I swear. I am a cure-er of ailments.  People come to me for help. Just call me Doctor Johnson. Actually, ew. Don’t.  

Wine tool-

Server Lyfe! Also very handy for Alcoholyc Tendencies. 

Snacks -

It’s important to keep your blood sugar up with healthy snacks like that granola bar I will eat and that oatmeal I bring with me which I pretend like I'll eat because it's healthy.

Tazo Passion Tea Bag (?)-

I have had this in my purse for like two months. I never drink tea. Additionally, it has no caffine. What a waste of my time. Which leads us to... 

Starbucks Gold Card –

 Just call me Doctor Johnson, Professional Coffee Drinker. Getting those free drinks feels so good you almost forget you’re spending almost $5 on a latte. 

Cah Keys –

Magestic, Reliable Toyota Matrix. Also See: Auxiliary Backup Starbucks Card, just in case.

Hair Tie and Clip –

I know that I keep this in my bag, and here is physical evidence, but I’m telling you, when the time comes and I actually need these things, nowhere to be found. They only emerge when removing the entire contents of my bag. WHY IS THIS, LADIES? 

Padlock/Headphones-

For the gym. Because I’m super fit, and I work out regularly. Shhh. I do. I do.  

Hand Sanitizer –

Because sometimes washing your hands is too hard.

Not pictured: Money (none) my phone (taking the picture) and tampons, (because ARTISTIC INTEGRITY/CHOICES)

Ok, I'm sorry I wrote this and I'm sorry you read it. See you next time!

What Would They Drink?: How TV Characters Would Celebrate Their 21st Birthdays

The last thing I remember from my 21st birthday celebration was the bartender telling me if I kissed a moose head that was mounted to a wall, he'd give me a free shot of Jager. Ugh. Not a great time, let me tell you.

But, part of turning 21 is making really terrible decisions. So I got to thinking...(dangerous) how would some of my television favorites celebrate becoming legal?



1. Louise Belcher, Bob's Burgers: RED BULL VODKA

 

Louise would totally get amped up and start a bar fight in a skeevy biker bar and slip out of the bar as the chaos ensues. 

2. George Michael Bluth, Arrested Development: APPLETINI

George Michael would go to the bar with Maebe. After he orders this drink, she would pretend not to know him anymore. He'll drink two and have a hangover the next day.

3. Morty Smith, Rick and Morty: BEER BONG

Morty will get drunk in his dorm room at college. He'll get peer pressured into chugging beer from a beer bong. Later in the night, he'll miss out on his opportunity to lose his virginity because he'll throw up on his date. 

5. Sally Draper, Mad Men: SCOTCH

Sally would steal scotch from Don's liquor cabinet and share it with her friends. He'd notice, but he wouldn't say shit, because he's a CHEATER AND A LIAR AND HE KNOWS IT.

6. Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons: ONE GLASS OF RED WINE

 

Lisa would enjoy a single glass of expensive red wine, with her dinner at a nice restaurant. She's a classy lady like that.  

I'll cook some more stuff soon. Or maybe I'll watch more TV. Who knows?! Who cares.