Cooking Like A Pro with Emma: Basic Bitch Pretzels

Everyone knows Sunday is the Lord’s Day (Lord = Dionysus, god of wine. I didn’t even look that up. I knew that off the top of my head.) So what better way to worship than to get your Basic Bitch on!

1. Start this recipe by getting Starbucks, going to Whole Foods with LKel, or the galpal of your choosing. Bring a reusable grocery bag. Save the earth.

2. Get ingredients. Also buy chocolate covered pretzels for a snack. It's not redundant.

3. Drive home. Now that you’re not getting behind the wheel anytime soon; it’s time to drink!

4. The truly devout partake of the lord’s daydrunk favorite, Mimosas! 

Praise be unto him.

5. Sustain injury on foil. There aren’t even knives involved in this recipe. Feel some semblance of shame or irony, it’s hard to tell the difference.

6. Ok, do the thing with your yeast. Add more water because that’s not enough. Thoughtful steps like these are part of my chefly prowess.

7. Bread Hooks Maiden Use!

Please sponsor my blog, Kitchen Aid. Or send me free attachments or something.

8. Knead dough for literally forever. (6 minutes). Take turns because neither you nor LKel have any upper body strength.

9. Now you wait. There is like, so much waiting in pretzel making. Make sure you use your time productively, I.E. watching LKel clean your house for you.

Pictured: Hestia, Goddess of Domesticity, AKA Laura Kellum

10. One million years later (one hour), the dough doubled in size!

11. Cut it up and make it into pretzel shapes. Get annoyed by that and just roll some little pretzel sticks because you’re lazy.

12. Put them in water with baking soda. Do not overboil, or else you will make a mess for LKel to clean up. Also they will fall apart immediately when you put them in the pot, so use a spoon with holes.

13. Wait a few centuries (15 minutes). Ugh. So long. Getting Hangry. Pass the time with trivia crack. Get all the sports questions wrong.

14. Put melted butter on your weird, engorged baking soda-y pretzels and add toppings of your choice. I chose butter, sodium, and sodium with garlic.

15. Preheat your oven for a week and then stick those bitches in there for like, three to five years. (20-25 minutes). This is the last time you will have to wait. (So much waiting though.)

16. Pull all those mustards you’ve been collecting in your fridge out and enjoy.

“OMG, these pretzels are totes delish!” She white girled, white girlily.