Are desserts really healthier if you make them paleo? Am I using this diet as an excuse to eat more desserts?
Don’t answer that. Those are just rhetorical questions.
1. Tell Beard you will be making Shrimp and Grits for dinner. Purchase the ingredients. That is basically like 60% of cooking it, obviously.
2. Ask Beard to cook shrimp and Grits. Beard expresses distaste in having to participate in cooking. Luckily I am very tricky as you will see in the next few steps.
3. Begin to chop things. Forget about using the claw. Narrowly avoid chopping off fingers. This seems risky, but it is step one in Standard Girlfriend Manipulation.
4. Step Two: Ask Beard many obvious questions, which he will begrudgingly answer because he likes people to know that he knows things. Say things like:
“Do I need to oil this pan before I put the bacon in?”
“How long do you cook sausage for?”
“What are Cajun seasonings? Like, garlic salt?”
“How long do you cook sausage for?”
“What are Cajun seasonings? Like, garlic salt?”
5. This is a guaranteed method to break his spirit.
6. Beard intercedes. Success! All you had to do was cut the vegetables!
Good Job, You!
7. Beard now wants you to take pictures of the process because he thinks it is interesting. It is not. You know what is interesting? Drinking a new kind of Chianti! And Pinterest!
8. Oh by the way, this recipe is Paleo because the grits are cauliflower. Surprise!
9. Selfie Break.
Lush.
10. Ok let’s make some dessert!
11. Here is the recipe. Thanks Taylor!
12. Note from Future Emma: This is like, by far the best thing I’ve made on the blog so far.
13. Your chickens have been popping out eggs like nobody’s business. Poke Cornelia off of them with a stick and grab the 12 eggs she’s been hoarding and use those for the recipe.
14. Whip up egg whites for like, a super long time, until they look like this:
Action Shottttt.
15. Add Honey and Vanilla. Melt it in the microwave for like 20 seconds. Set the microwave for a minute because you’ll remember after 20 seconds.
16. You did remember it! And none of you were there to tell me I didn’t! Hah!
17. Pour that shit in slowwwwly or else your eggs will de-fluff.
18. Then add your coconut. For reals tip: Don’t kitchen aid this part. Stir it in with your arms like you’re some sort of manual laborer or a better metaphor or whatever.
19. Scoop those little guys up and put them in the oven for however many minutes that recipe said, I forget.
20. Drizzle some chocolate over them. For the sake of the picture, use chocolate sparingly.
21. Take your blog photos. Behind the scenes!
Note that neither one of us is actually taking a picture.
22. Now add your chocolate for real.
23. Don’t be embarrassed about your chocolate consumption. Flashback: My Dad used to tell me "embarrassment is a choice". He did this while strutting like a chicken next to me in public when I was 14, so the this life lesson didn’t sink in until I became an "adult". But like, true, Dad, true.
24. Holy Shit these things are amazing. Amazeballs! LITERALLY!! DO YOU GET IT?!
(because they are shaped like balls and they are really good. that's the joke)
25. Anyways, everything is on point, including those shrimp and grits you made yourself with no help whatsoever.
26. Great meal. Reward your success with second bottle of wine.
27. Eat all 20 of the macaroons in like 2 days.
28. Real Time: Write this blog while jamming out to some Zedd. Get caught by your weird mailman who does pushups in front of your house. Remember that you have no shame. Jam on.
No comments:
Post a Comment