Cooking Like A Pro with Emma: Apr-aleo Pumpkin Bars

Summer is coming, so I am nostalgic for Pumpkin Spice Lattes because I am a Basic Bitch. I am also temporarily now Paleo for the same reasons.

I combined these two recipes because these are the items I had leftover from my pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving. Crust here and modified filling here.


1. To begin, accidentally drink two glasses of wine while your formatting an invoicing template. This only takes thirty minutes, so you should be nice and buzzed.


2. You have no coconut oil, as per the recipe's commands, and Beard will not drive you to Ye Local Whole Foods to buy some. This is smart, because you would just buy non-paleo treats there and not cook anything. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU TELL HIM HE IS RIGHT.


3. Also, your will is ironclad. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.


4. Make crust from mysterious varieties of flour. Crust is sticky. Watch out.


5. You do not have an 8 X 8 baking pan. You are woefully unprepared, as usual. But dessert! Improvise.


6. Holy shit this dress has pockets! Run to other room to inform significant other, who shares same passion.

“I don’t know why that’s a feature you’re excited about” he says!

7. Coconut is supposed to be chilled overnight, but I am drunk carbo-craving over here, do I have time for that, NO! Recipe may suffer, I’ll keep you abreast of the situation.


8. Haha. A Breast.


9. Whip coconut milk into cream? This will not work.


10. Separate other ingredients and food process. The food processor needs to be washed, so don’t bother.


11. Can opener sucks. Beard makes RUDE comments about how if you work in a kitchen supply store and go to target once a week, why haven’t you gotten a new one yet? He is high on allergy medication, he cannot be trusted.


12. Says I secretly love can opener. I do not. Clearly not at full mental capacity.


13. It seems like its supposed to be thicker. Just go ahead and add the rest of the pumpkin. It’s only going to get thrown away anyways. Like, what do you even do with ¾ of a cup of pumpkin? Throw it away, obvs.


14. Put directly tray to speed up chilling process.

15. Remove chunk of melted ice the size of your head to level.

16. Take bad drunk selfies with your new friend ice chunk.

17. Wait, was there supposed to be Vanilla Extract in this!?


18. Is Vanilla Extract even paleo? Consult Paleoporn.


19. It is.

Dumbass. Whoever asked this, and me for taking a picture of my screen and not a screenshot?

20. How long have they been in the freezer?


21. 4 minutes.


22. ...


23. Just go check on them real quick.


24. Realize the error of your ways. So. much. error. I've made a huge mistake.

...it's fine.

25. Don't worry about it! Just eat around it.

This segment of Cooking Like A Pro with Emma is brought to you by "Less Profanity" by request of my parents.

Cooking like a Pro with Emma Part Duhx (#Rustic)

Today I intended to write blog about Spaghetti Bolognese for adult job’s blog. Below is what actually happened:

1.     Supplies: Here’s the Recipe. I’m eliminating bacon, and if you stop reading because of that, I understand. But I am adding booze. (Red Wine).  And Spaghetti Seasoning, which I got freshly ground from the work, the place that I should be writing the blog for, because they pay me to do that.

(Note to self: Decide to figure out how to make this post professional later)

2.     Open your red wine. So it can breathe. For the sauce, not for me, it’s three in the afternoon for fuck’s sake.  But taste a little just to make sure it’s good.

Just enough for a taste

3.     Prep. Realize literally every dish you need is dirty right now. Take five minute dish break, you slob.

4.     Need music for cleaning. I like listening to Lorde, because she’s 6 years younger than me and I’ll never be as successful as she is. Wait…Let’s just Spotify. Found Playlist called “Chillin' Sex and Cooking, Works With Everything" Let’s check it out.

5.     Make your Mer Poix*

6.     Get distracted looking up spelling of *Mirepoix. Become overly proud of self for very nearly spelling it correctly the first time.

7.     Have to make sure wine is breathing nicely and not corked. Just a sip.

8.     Have not actually started cooking yet. Do that. Here is all the shit you need.

Cropped out the dog treats so no one would get confused

9.     It is unreal how depressing this playlist is. Switch to "Teen Dance Party"  because you have no shame and that is obviously the best playlist on spotify.

10. This is mirepoix. If you are a professional, I think everything is supposed to be cut the same size. I am clearly not a professional.  It’s ok. Just call it “Rustic” and everyone will be impressed.

#Rustic

11.  Don’t add the garlic at the same time as the mirepoix. Nobody knows why. The internet says no though.

12.  Dance with dogs to Lana Del Ray’s "Blue Jeans" while you cook mirepoix until the onions look clear.

13.  Add ground beef. Or ground turkey, if you’re trying to be healthy. Or bison, if you’re trying to be awesome and you’re rich.

14. Add way too much balsamic. Hope that cooks off.

15. Add wine to pan and glass

16.  Have a real struggle with the can opener while trying to open tomato paste,  fling wildly on to laptop screen. Why do they make the cans so small?

17. Only use ½ the can of tomato paste. Why don’t they make them smaller?

18. Put on water to cook spaghetti like 10 minutes and 5 steps ago.

19.  Simmer Bolognese while you boil pasta water, Let those flavors really absorb, you know? #Rustic

20. Proofread blog while you boil pasta.

21. Wait, why does the water have to be boiling? Why cant you just put it in there when its cold? Research that on google.

22. Pause research to skip past Lorde songs. 

Ow, my self esteem! #Rustic

 23. Never complete research because food is ready!

24. Grate Parmesan cheese on there BY HAND. Lorde would never have to do this shit. Vow to buy pre-shedded cheese next time. 

25. Eat so much. All of it.

Yeah girl. #rustic