Cooking Like A Pro with Emma: Apr-aleo Pumpkin Bars

Summer is coming, so I am nostalgic for Pumpkin Spice Lattes because I am a Basic Bitch. I am also temporarily now Paleo for the same reasons.

I combined these two recipes because these are the items I had leftover from my pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving. Crust here and modified filling here.


1. To begin, accidentally drink two glasses of wine while your formatting an invoicing template. This only takes thirty minutes, so you should be nice and buzzed.


2. You have no coconut oil, as per the recipe's commands, and Beard will not drive you to Ye Local Whole Foods to buy some. This is smart, because you would just buy non-paleo treats there and not cook anything. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU TELL HIM HE IS RIGHT.


3. Also, your will is ironclad. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.


4. Make crust from mysterious varieties of flour. Crust is sticky. Watch out.


5. You do not have an 8 X 8 baking pan. You are woefully unprepared, as usual. But dessert! Improvise.


6. Holy shit this dress has pockets! Run to other room to inform significant other, who shares same passion.

“I don’t know why that’s a feature you’re excited about” he says!

7. Coconut is supposed to be chilled overnight, but I am drunk carbo-craving over here, do I have time for that, NO! Recipe may suffer, I’ll keep you abreast of the situation.


8. Haha. A Breast.


9. Whip coconut milk into cream? This will not work.


10. Separate other ingredients and food process. The food processor needs to be washed, so don’t bother.


11. Can opener sucks. Beard makes RUDE comments about how if you work in a kitchen supply store and go to target once a week, why haven’t you gotten a new one yet? He is high on allergy medication, he cannot be trusted.


12. Says I secretly love can opener. I do not. Clearly not at full mental capacity.


13. It seems like its supposed to be thicker. Just go ahead and add the rest of the pumpkin. It’s only going to get thrown away anyways. Like, what do you even do with ¾ of a cup of pumpkin? Throw it away, obvs.


14. Put directly tray to speed up chilling process.

15. Remove chunk of melted ice the size of your head to level.

16. Take bad drunk selfies with your new friend ice chunk.

17. Wait, was there supposed to be Vanilla Extract in this!?


18. Is Vanilla Extract even paleo? Consult Paleoporn.


19. It is.

Dumbass. Whoever asked this, and me for taking a picture of my screen and not a screenshot?

20. How long have they been in the freezer?


21. 4 minutes.


22. ...


23. Just go check on them real quick.


24. Realize the error of your ways. So. much. error. I've made a huge mistake.

...it's fine.

25. Don't worry about it! Just eat around it.

This segment of Cooking Like A Pro with Emma is brought to you by "Less Profanity" by request of my parents.

Em and LKel go Paleo!

Here is a story:

Once upon a time, Beard, Andrew and myself were on the way to the illustrious Wrightsville Beach, which as you know if you live here, boasts a very attractive population. While waiting in traffic, we saw it. The most impressive butt of all time. Think Kim Kardashian Break the Internet, only super fit, and significantly less grease. Henceforth, this girl became known as "The Ass".  Disgusted with ourselves, we turned around, left the beach, shame-ate lunch at Bojangles and went to Topsail Beach to recover. (A Topsail 10 is like a Wrightville 6). If you mention "The Ass" to anyone in attendance that day, they'll know. Never forget. #TheAss


It's almost "get-shamed-out-of-Wrightsville-Beach" season again! Or I guess as the non-wilmingtoners say, "swimsuit season."

Anyways, on a completely, 100% unrelated note, me and LKel are trying our the Paleo diet for one month.Just for fun. Not because we need to. See?

Here are our before pictures.

It took some convincing to get LKel on board, because she linked me to this article by John Bradly where he tries a variety of diets for 8 weeks. Apparently Paleo made him tired and weak. But he is a long distance cyclist, and though we do marathons (of netflix and day drinking) so maybe it'll work out a little better for us. Option 2 was the Mediterranean Diet, but on further exploration, that will change nearly nothing about our daily eating habits. Which are fine. See above photo.

You technically can't drink, but wine is grapes and grapes are paleo, so shut the fuck up. Stay tuned for Cooking Like a Pro, Paleo!

I will also be gymming it in the dedicated fashion that I normally do, because apparently excersize is good for you, or whatever.

Here is a snippit of our text message conversation from day one, so clearly, so far so good.

 

I'll keep you posted on our positively thrilling journey.