New Blahhhhhhhg Site!

Cookies and Failure has its own domain now! Movin on up. Anyways, follow me there instead.

http://www.cookiesandfailure.com/

See you there!

Cooking Like A Pro With Emma: Shrimp and Macaroons, of course they go together!

Are desserts really healthier if you make them paleo? Am I using this diet as an excuse to eat more desserts?

Don’t answer that. Those are just rhetorical questions.

1. Tell Beard you will be making Shrimp and Grits for dinner. Purchase the ingredients. That is basically like 60% of cooking it, obviously.

2. Ask Beard to cook shrimp and Grits. Beard expresses distaste in having to participate in cooking. Luckily I am very tricky as you will see in the next few steps.

3. Begin to chop things. Forget about using the claw. Narrowly avoid chopping off fingers. This seems risky, but it is step one in Standard Girlfriend Manipulation.

4. Step Two: Ask Beard many obvious questions, which he will begrudgingly answer because he likes people to know that he knows things. Say things like:

“Do I need to oil this pan before I put the bacon in?”

“How long do you cook sausage for?”

“What are Cajun seasonings? Like, garlic salt?”

5. This is a guaranteed method to break his spirit.

6. Beard intercedes. Success! All you had to do was cut the vegetables!

Good Job, You!

7. Beard now wants you to take pictures of the process because he thinks it is interesting. It is not. You know what is interesting? Drinking a new kind of Chianti! And Pinterest!

8. Oh by the way, this recipe is Paleo because the grits are cauliflower. Surprise!

9. Selfie Break.

Lush.

10. Ok let’s make some dessert!

11. Here is the recipe. Thanks Taylor!

12. Note from Future Emma: This is like, by far the best thing I’ve made on the blog so far.

13. Your chickens have been popping out eggs like nobody’s business. Poke Cornelia off of them with a stick and grab the 12 eggs she’s been hoarding and use those for the recipe.

14. Whip up egg whites for like, a super long time, until they look like this:

Action Shottttt.

15. Add Honey and Vanilla. Melt it in the microwave for like 20 seconds. Set the microwave for a minute because you’ll remember after 20 seconds.

16. You did remember it! And none of you were there to tell me I didn’t! Hah!

17. Pour that shit in slowwwwly or else your eggs will de-fluff.

18. Then add your coconut. For reals tip: Don’t kitchen aid this part. Stir it in with your arms like you’re some sort of manual laborer or a better metaphor or whatever.

19. Scoop those little guys up and put them in the oven for however many minutes that recipe said, I forget.

20. Drizzle some chocolate over them. For the sake of the picture, use chocolate sparingly.

21. Take your blog photos. Behind the scenes!

Note that neither one of us is actually taking a picture.

22. Now add your chocolate for real.

23. Don’t be embarrassed about your chocolate consumption. Flashback: My Dad used to tell me "embarrassment is a choice". He did this while strutting like a chicken next to me in public when I was 14, so the this life lesson didn’t sink in until I became an "adult". But like, true, Dad, true.

24. Holy Shit these things are amazing. Amazeballs! LITERALLY!! DO YOU GET IT?!
(because they are shaped like balls and they are really good. that's the joke)

25. Anyways, everything is on point, including those shrimp and grits you made yourself with no help whatsoever.

26. Great meal. Reward your success with second bottle of wine.

27. Eat all 20 of the macaroons in like 2 days.

28. Real Time: Write this blog while jamming out to some Zedd. Get caught by your weird mailman who does pushups in front of your house. Remember that you have no shame. Jam on.

Anatomy of a Road Trip

Me and Beard are masters of the road trip from The Cackalacks to anywhere on the East Coast, since we have to drive there like basically every three weeks for a wedding. Now I will explain it to you in great, excruciating detail.

Pre-Road Trip: Pack the essentials. Pillow and fuzzy blanket (for passenger napping) beef jerky and banana chips (for driver energy) Beard also purchased an SD card to music on and put in the stereo (for passenger safety/driver pacification)

DEPARTURE:

5:00am: Hit the road. Yay! So exciting! Only 12 hours 40 minutes to go I’m so pumped!

5:10am: Beard is very bad at making conversation at 5am. He is very boring.

5:23am: Zzz.

9:30am: Awaken at a Starbucks. Switch. My turn at the wheel.

9:48am: I’ve been driving for like an hour right?

10:05am: I require constant stimulation in the form of conversation while driving. Beard complains because he wants to take a nap. Unacceptable, but I comply.

10:20am: Beard is not napping. He is reading Reddit articles. Since he isn’t paying attention, I feel as if this is an appropriate time to break out the Spotify Road Trip Playlist, "Road Tripp Jamz".

10:30am: After the third Katy Perry track, Beard decides to compromise and speak words to me. I am the winner of being the most annoying.

11:15am: Feel kindred with cars that have been driving by me for a while. Hi again, Blue Van!

12:00pm: Hunger. Beef Jerky and Banana Chips are not cutting it anymore. Begin the great Yelp hunt for food that is not terrible. (Pro Road Tripper Rule: Do not eat fast food. Though convenient, you will regret it in two hours when you are sharing a car with someone who is digesting a double cheeseburger.)

12:45pm: Lunch break. Put jeans on over yoga pants to that you don’t look like a scrub. Drink wine with meal because I do not have to drive for like 4 more hours!

1:12pm: Back in the car.

Here, Beard demonstrates proper driving posture.

1:13pm: Zzz. Because of lunch-wine.

Note: This seems like I am a terrible Road Trip Companion, but it’s my gift to Beard to not talk to him while he is driving. I am so noble.

2:52pm: Awaken on foggy mountain. Anxiously backseat drive until Beard commands that you go back to napping.

3:00pm: Zzz.

4:30pm: Narrowly escape murder/toilet alligator after peeing in sketchiest gas station bathroom of all time.

5:15pm: Get wicked excited that we are almost there. We are not.

6:10pm: Dude glares at me for NO REASON after speeding past me. Dwell on this for 10-15 minutes, because self esteem issues. Determine that because he had Massachusetts license plate, it is just his nature. It is definitely not because you didn’t let him merge earlier.

6:40pm: This truck is following me. It’s definitely following me. It keeps changing lanes when I change lanes. What if this guy murders me?!

6:46pm: False alarm, guys. Truck is not following me.

7:30: ARRIVAL. YES NO MORE DRIVING HOORAY. ALSO SAFE TO DRINK MORE WINE NOW.


Friday – Sunday: Rage.

Summary of the weekend.

RETURN JOURNEY:

5:00am: Depart. Lame. Driving is LAME.

5:05am: Zzz.

9:27am: Awake at not-Starbucks. Get gross gas station coffee. The way back is the worst.

10:00am: Have lengthy discussion about billboards. Who models for those strip club billboards? Are they real strippers, or models? Do they live in that town? Do people know them because they are that billboard girl? Life’s questions.

10:10am: As usual, conversation has shifted to how Vermont is the greatest state because they don’t allow billboards. Whatever. Thought we were driving a car, not riding our high horse. (That joke needs work. I apologize.)

11:02am: See Deer on side of road. It is taking a nap, Beard says. Sweet Dreams, Deer!

11:24am: Conglomerative hangover from three days of raging sets in. It is rough. Spirits are low.

11:56pm: Enjoy hearty lunch of a ginger ale. Be ~40 years younger than everyone else in restaurant.

12:36pm: Sleep it off.

4:40pm: Awaken. Billboard's content has turned from Strip Clubs to Jesus Quotes, so we’re getting close to the Cackalacks.

4:55pm: So booooored. Begin discussion about future book you are imaginary writing. Conversation delves deep into Parallel Universes; road trips are weird, guys.

6:57pm: Amp up the trip with a race against the clock. Google says 63 minutes but I think I can do it in 60!

7:24pm: Former comradery with other cars on the road gone. Road rage sets in. Everyone is in my way.

7:57pm: Made it! Revel in irrelevant victory. I AM THE WINNER.

7:58pm: Be greeted at the door by unenthusiastic dog, who welcomes us home by walking directly to his food bowl and gives me a top-notch, guilt-inducing stare directly into my soul until I feed him.

Pictured: Starving to Death. Wasting away. Cue the Sarah McLaughlin music.

8 Most Admireable Animated Ancillary Characters

I love T.V. I get way too emotionally invested. It's stressful. Main characters plot lines are important, obviously. But sometimes those background characters just make a show, you know? They seem so unimportant, trivial even. But Nostalgia! So I made a list my top 8 favorite underrated background characters...

  

1. Tinny Tim, Futurama

"You raised my hopes and dashed them quite expertly, sir. Bravo!"

This Dickensian Orphaned Robot is the brunt of abuse. He’s starving, homeless and gets run over more than once (Shoutout the The Crushinator, Second Runner Up) Yet this little champ remains industrious and hardworking! He sells newspapers and oilaid, and writes in cute backwards letters. I admire his spirit, so resilient.


2. Hotdog Princess, Adventure Time

  

"That's a distress flare from my other Hot Dog Knights! It says Baby...Us...Trouble...Time"

First of all, Hot Dog Princess is by far the most adorable of the Adventure Time Princesses. But even though she’s royalty, homegirl hangs out in her modest little kingdom, a doghouse 

inside a run and cohorts with her subjects on the daily. So down to earth!


3. Brett Bunson Buckley, Archer

"God DAMMIT Archer/Lana/Pam/Cheryl"

Brett Bunson gets shot in every episode he appears in. But he recovers through the physical trauma and PTSD that comes with that and makes it back into work every time. The emotional strength that must take is astounding!

****Spoiler: Brett may have met his end in the Season 5 Premiere, But with the ongoing theme of bionic/human hybrids, I think we’ll see Brett get shot again*****

4. Fake Real Doors Salesman, Rick and Morty

  

You’re just gunna have to watch this one for yourself.  

5. Gayle, Bob’s Burgers

My cat was right about you!

An artist, a poet, musician in a band, creator of fantastic board game “Gayle Winds” (which I would really like to learn how to play.) Plus, an animal lover! Why don’t men appreciate Gayle’s creative mind!? She’s a catch.

7. Marie Curie's Clone, Clone High

 Stay true to your(clone)self, girl!

DO YOU GET IT! BECAUSE OF THE RADIATION POISONING AHAHA.

Anyways. She doesn’t conform to societies standard of beauty, but she doesn’t care. She’s a just following her passion - dancing.

7. Joey Jeffy and Jamie, Daria 

This is one of the only gender role reversed instances of the Bechtel Test I’ve ever seen. Male characters that only exists to talk about ladies. Specifically Quinn. Way to challenge gender norms, guys!

8. Mayor Bee, Family Guy

Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee!

Mayor Bee will do anything to achieve his dreams, or die trying. And he does. That’s dedication.

Honorable Mentions:

-Snuffles/Snowball, reformed dictator, Rick and Morty.
-The Grand Midwife, Entrepreneur, Futurama.
-Regular Sized Rudy, overcoming chronic disease/upholder of justice, Bob's Burgers

Kbye.

Cooking Like A Pro with Emma: Apr-aleo Pumpkin Bars

Summer is coming, so I am nostalgic for Pumpkin Spice Lattes because I am a Basic Bitch. I am also temporarily now Paleo for the same reasons.

I combined these two recipes because these are the items I had leftover from my pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving. Crust here and modified filling here.


1. To begin, accidentally drink two glasses of wine while your formatting an invoicing template. This only takes thirty minutes, so you should be nice and buzzed.


2. You have no coconut oil, as per the recipe's commands, and Beard will not drive you to Ye Local Whole Foods to buy some. This is smart, because you would just buy non-paleo treats there and not cook anything. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU TELL HIM HE IS RIGHT.


3. Also, your will is ironclad. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.


4. Make crust from mysterious varieties of flour. Crust is sticky. Watch out.


5. You do not have an 8 X 8 baking pan. You are woefully unprepared, as usual. But dessert! Improvise.


6. Holy shit this dress has pockets! Run to other room to inform significant other, who shares same passion.

“I don’t know why that’s a feature you’re excited about” he says!

7. Coconut is supposed to be chilled overnight, but I am drunk carbo-craving over here, do I have time for that, NO! Recipe may suffer, I’ll keep you abreast of the situation.


8. Haha. A Breast.


9. Whip coconut milk into cream? This will not work.


10. Separate other ingredients and food process. The food processor needs to be washed, so don’t bother.


11. Can opener sucks. Beard makes RUDE comments about how if you work in a kitchen supply store and go to target once a week, why haven’t you gotten a new one yet? He is high on allergy medication, he cannot be trusted.


12. Says I secretly love can opener. I do not. Clearly not at full mental capacity.


13. It seems like its supposed to be thicker. Just go ahead and add the rest of the pumpkin. It’s only going to get thrown away anyways. Like, what do you even do with ¾ of a cup of pumpkin? Throw it away, obvs.


14. Put directly tray to speed up chilling process.

15. Remove chunk of melted ice the size of your head to level.

16. Take bad drunk selfies with your new friend ice chunk.

17. Wait, was there supposed to be Vanilla Extract in this!?


18. Is Vanilla Extract even paleo? Consult Paleoporn.


19. It is.

Dumbass. Whoever asked this, and me for taking a picture of my screen and not a screenshot?

20. How long have they been in the freezer?


21. 4 minutes.


22. ...


23. Just go check on them real quick.


24. Realize the error of your ways. So. much. error. I've made a huge mistake.

...it's fine.

25. Don't worry about it! Just eat around it.

This segment of Cooking Like A Pro with Emma is brought to you by "Less Profanity" by request of my parents.

Em and LKel go Paleo!

Here is a story:

Once upon a time, Beard, Andrew and myself were on the way to the illustrious Wrightsville Beach, which as you know if you live here, boasts a very attractive population. While waiting in traffic, we saw it. The most impressive butt of all time. Think Kim Kardashian Break the Internet, only super fit, and significantly less grease. Henceforth, this girl became known as "The Ass".  Disgusted with ourselves, we turned around, left the beach, shame-ate lunch at Bojangles and went to Topsail Beach to recover. (A Topsail 10 is like a Wrightville 6). If you mention "The Ass" to anyone in attendance that day, they'll know. Never forget. #TheAss


It's almost "get-shamed-out-of-Wrightsville-Beach" season again! Or I guess as the non-wilmingtoners say, "swimsuit season."

Anyways, on a completely, 100% unrelated note, me and LKel are trying our the Paleo diet for one month.Just for fun. Not because we need to. See?

Here are our before pictures.

It took some convincing to get LKel on board, because she linked me to this article by John Bradly where he tries a variety of diets for 8 weeks. Apparently Paleo made him tired and weak. But he is a long distance cyclist, and though we do marathons (of netflix and day drinking) so maybe it'll work out a little better for us. Option 2 was the Mediterranean Diet, but on further exploration, that will change nearly nothing about our daily eating habits. Which are fine. See above photo.

You technically can't drink, but wine is grapes and grapes are paleo, so shut the fuck up. Stay tuned for Cooking Like a Pro, Paleo!

I will also be gymming it in the dedicated fashion that I normally do, because apparently excersize is good for you, or whatever.

Here is a snippit of our text message conversation from day one, so clearly, so far so good.

 

I'll keep you posted on our positively thrilling journey. 

What's in your (Self-Indulgent) Wallet?

Hello, Welcome to my new blog series, "Me me me, Let's Talk about Me" 

I'll go back to cooking soon, Okay! I've just been really in to frozen pizza lately, which does not make for an interesting blog post.

So, a while back I was obsessed with Jason Travis's photo series, "Persona" where he takes portraits of people and the contents of their bags. I just love little sneak previews into stranger's universes. "That is why the internet is the best," She creeped, creepily. But really, it's why I love the blogosphere so much. I just want to know every detail of your life. Tell me about it.

So anyways, I decided I wanted to do it to, and so I did. So here's my stuff.

My Wallet-

I'm going to start this out with some great life advice. Do not buy a wallet that is one, expensive, and two, white. This thing is covered in pen, and hasn't been truly white since day two of living in my bag.

Planner-

I’m so organized,  that I bring this with me everywhere and very VERY rarely do I actually take it out of my bag! 

Lint Roller-

Two dogs and a cat. If you've ever met Jake VanWolfhausen, you know. 

Chewable Papaya Enzyme -

This shit is my JAM, you guys. Does your stomach ever hurt? Keep this with you. Insta-Relief, also works if you run out of -

Wintergreen Breathmints-

Fuck you, Peppermint. Chapstick/Liqiud Eyliner –

Makeup essentials. Gotta make sure your eyeliner on point, because everyone knows that the sucess of your day will be measured by how easy it is to make your eyeliner even in the morning. Get it right on both eyes, first time? Buy a lottery ticket, you’re gunna have a good day. 

Toothbrush/Toothpaste/Floss-

Look, I work for 15 hours straight sometimes, and there is nothing like an early evening rushed toothbrushing in a restaurant bathroom to get you revitalized for your shift, let me tell you.

Advil-

This is truly essential. Carrying painkillers with you will positively make you a celebrity amongst your peers, I swear. I am a cure-er of ailments.  People come to me for help. Just call me Doctor Johnson. Actually, ew. Don’t.  

Wine tool-

Server Lyfe! Also very handy for Alcoholyc Tendencies. 

Snacks -

It’s important to keep your blood sugar up with healthy snacks like that granola bar I will eat and that oatmeal I bring with me which I pretend like I'll eat because it's healthy.

Tazo Passion Tea Bag (?)-

I have had this in my purse for like two months. I never drink tea. Additionally, it has no caffine. What a waste of my time. Which leads us to... 

Starbucks Gold Card –

 Just call me Doctor Johnson, Professional Coffee Drinker. Getting those free drinks feels so good you almost forget you’re spending almost $5 on a latte. 

Cah Keys –

Magestic, Reliable Toyota Matrix. Also See: Auxiliary Backup Starbucks Card, just in case.

Hair Tie and Clip –

I know that I keep this in my bag, and here is physical evidence, but I’m telling you, when the time comes and I actually need these things, nowhere to be found. They only emerge when removing the entire contents of my bag. WHY IS THIS, LADIES? 

Padlock/Headphones-

For the gym. Because I’m super fit, and I work out regularly. Shhh. I do. I do.  

Hand Sanitizer –

Because sometimes washing your hands is too hard.

Not pictured: Money (none) my phone (taking the picture) and tampons, (because ARTISTIC INTEGRITY/CHOICES)

Ok, I'm sorry I wrote this and I'm sorry you read it. See you next time!