Cooking Like a Pro With Emma (and LKel and Beard): Thanksgiving Edition!

Fifteen days after Thanksgiving seems like as good a time as any to share a this step-by-step tutorial on how to make Pumpkin Pie! Or stuffing. I'm not 100%

1.     Dress up for your Thanksgiving meal. I decided on Juicy sweatpants, fuzzy slippers and a shirt that is ambiguous on whether or not you are wearing a bra, because I am a classy woman.

2.     Start by finding a recipe for Pumpkin Pie, because you walked in to this prepared. Side note: Turkey will be done in like 35 minutes. Timing.

3.     Forget that you did not buy pre-made crust. Curse Self.

4.     Take first recipe you find off Google search. Make Laura smash graham crackers. She is a good helper. 

5.     Feel ingenious for buying cinnamon graham crackers instead of lame, regular kind of graham cracker. That’s gunna be good. Your cooking is so inventive. Way to be. 

6.      Before you even start the pie, get distracted by the fact you haven’t made stuffing yet. Take care of that real quick.

7.     Get distracted again by the idea of making spiced eggnog. 

8.     “Basic bitches love spiced eggnog” – Laura Kellum

9.     Drink rose. Basic bitches also love Rose. Embrace it. You’re wearing juicy sweatpants. THANKSGIVING IS NOT A TIME FOR JUDGEMENT. 

10. Realize you don’t have a springform pan. Worry about this later.

11. You have none of the ingredients for your stuffing, which is literally just an onion and some chicken stock. Things are looking grave.

12. Try to melt butter in microwave. It makes a very concerning smell. Make Beard melt it on the stove instead.

13. Is this butter for the pie or stuffing? Not sure. Mull it over with some wine. 

14. Finish glass of rose. Be drunk immediately because it’s the only thing you’ve had to eat/drink today.

15. Encounter first of many problems.

16. Lost 1/3 cup measure. Everything in this recipe is in 1/3 cup measurements. Just eyeball it.

17. This pie is going to take three hours. Dinner is in like 20 minutes. 

18. Get distracted by skyping with parents. Laura Kellum secretly does the dishes, because she has a cleaning problem. See photo evidence below:

 

Yes, this is Laura Kellum vacuuming crumbs off her own Thanksgiving Table, Monica Geller Style

19. Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes.  There is no pie. Panic.

20. So much more distraction, lose track of blog post. The stuffing is also not ready. Dinner is in 5 minutes. 

21. Throw all ingredients into Kitchen Aid Mixer in no particular order and blend. For the pie, not the stuffing. Wait, what are we making?

22. More panic. Beard saves the day by using turkey juices to make stuffing. Laura Kellum saves day by actually staying on task and making pie. 

23. Hey, this looks right!

Featured: Blog Post; Rose

24. Put pie in the oven.

25. Stuff face with delicious turkey and take credit for delicious stuffing you did not actively participate in making. 

26. Pie will take like 25 minutes longer than recipe declares it will. Take it out every three minutes to poke it with a toothpick, and then exclaim “How is this not done yet!?” This ensures thorough cooking. 

27. Wait for pie to COOL?! (like people have time for that, I mean, really.)

28. After using extent of willpower to wait for pie, (25 minutes) break and eat it slightly warm pie. It is delicious. Waiting is for chumps. 

29.  Enjoy rest of Thanksgiving. Be thankful for friends who stop by and don’t judge you for being drunk and wearing pajamas while it’s still daylight. You guys know who you are.

Happy Pajamasgiving, Everyone!

Cooking like a Pro with Emma Part Duhx (#Rustic)

Today I intended to write blog about Spaghetti Bolognese for adult job’s blog. Below is what actually happened:

1.     Supplies: Here’s the Recipe. I’m eliminating bacon, and if you stop reading because of that, I understand. But I am adding booze. (Red Wine).  And Spaghetti Seasoning, which I got freshly ground from the work, the place that I should be writing the blog for, because they pay me to do that.

(Note to self: Decide to figure out how to make this post professional later)

2.     Open your red wine. So it can breathe. For the sauce, not for me, it’s three in the afternoon for fuck’s sake.  But taste a little just to make sure it’s good.

Just enough for a taste

3.     Prep. Realize literally every dish you need is dirty right now. Take five minute dish break, you slob.

4.     Need music for cleaning. I like listening to Lorde, because she’s 6 years younger than me and I’ll never be as successful as she is. Wait…Let’s just Spotify. Found Playlist called “Chillin' Sex and Cooking, Works With Everything" Let’s check it out.

5.     Make your Mer Poix*

6.     Get distracted looking up spelling of *Mirepoix. Become overly proud of self for very nearly spelling it correctly the first time.

7.     Have to make sure wine is breathing nicely and not corked. Just a sip.

8.     Have not actually started cooking yet. Do that. Here is all the shit you need.

Cropped out the dog treats so no one would get confused

9.     It is unreal how depressing this playlist is. Switch to "Teen Dance Party"  because you have no shame and that is obviously the best playlist on spotify.

10. This is mirepoix. If you are a professional, I think everything is supposed to be cut the same size. I am clearly not a professional.  It’s ok. Just call it “Rustic” and everyone will be impressed.

#Rustic

11.  Don’t add the garlic at the same time as the mirepoix. Nobody knows why. The internet says no though.

12.  Dance with dogs to Lana Del Ray’s "Blue Jeans" while you cook mirepoix until the onions look clear.

13.  Add ground beef. Or ground turkey, if you’re trying to be healthy. Or bison, if you’re trying to be awesome and you’re rich.

14. Add way too much balsamic. Hope that cooks off.

15. Add wine to pan and glass

16.  Have a real struggle with the can opener while trying to open tomato paste,  fling wildly on to laptop screen. Why do they make the cans so small?

17. Only use ½ the can of tomato paste. Why don’t they make them smaller?

18. Put on water to cook spaghetti like 10 minutes and 5 steps ago.

19.  Simmer Bolognese while you boil pasta water, Let those flavors really absorb, you know? #Rustic

20. Proofread blog while you boil pasta.

21. Wait, why does the water have to be boiling? Why cant you just put it in there when its cold? Research that on google.

22. Pause research to skip past Lorde songs. 

Ow, my self esteem! #Rustic

 23. Never complete research because food is ready!

24. Grate Parmesan cheese on there BY HAND. Lorde would never have to do this shit. Vow to buy pre-shedded cheese next time. 

25. Eat so much. All of it.

Yeah girl. #rustic

Cooking Like A Pro with Emma

Welcome to La Cucina de Emma. Here we will attempt cooking, and despite spending 40+ hours a week observing professionals, we will be surprised at how bad we are at it in just 27 easy steps.


1. Decide to be vegetarian for one week. No more than that; don't be ludicrous.

 

Ahahaha, get it? 

2. Decide on a challenging recipe that spans well outside of your cooking abilities. Challenging yourself is important. It's how we grow.

3. Here is what we are cooking. Yummers!

 

4. Start by prepping your ingredients. As soon as you do that, get distracted and spend 45 minutes reorganizing your kitchen

5. Now we are ready. Wait, no! Drinking. Make sure you are drinking.

6. Ok, for real now. Follow the recipe and cut up your garlic, jalapenos and ginger. Remind yourself not to touch eyes, because of previous negative experiences.

7. Cut up onions.

8. Be completely debilitated by weak eyes.

9. Retrieve goggles to cut up onions. Sexy.

10. Goggles to not work. Forget about step 6 and rub eyes. Sting for 3 minutes over intense heat.

11. Begin sauteing onions.

12. Decide now would be a great time to start writing this blog post.

13. Miraculously do not burn onions.

14. More drinking.

15. Follow some other steps. Get hungry while cooking and enjoy a bowl of cheerios.

16.  Catch self putting in 3/4 of a tablespoon of cayenne pepper. Switch to teaspoon. Lucky break.

17. Should be smelling awesome, looking pretty gross at this point.

 Yum?

18. Add tomatoes. Discover that you have subconsciously touched your lips, which now burn also. Vow to never cook with jalapenos again.

19. Accidentally click away from recipe while looking for hilarious photos of Ludicrous. Scramble to find again.

20. Recover. Reward self with alcohol.

21. Simmer for one millions years. (You should struggle with time measurement because of hunger and burning eyes/face)

22. Become shocked about how messy kitchen has become. How? Consider that it will pass the time until eating if you clean.

23. Do dishes. Good job, you are being a responsible adult. This will cancel out the day drinking.

24. Use Google to discover washing your hands with olive oil will be successful in getting your hands and sink very oily, but not in getting the spice out of your skin like the internet said it would. INTERNET WHY!?

25. Meal is now done. Forget to take a picture before you eat it for blog. Consider this a good sign, you have cooked a tasty meal.

26. Remember at the beginning of this post you arbitrarily said that there would be 27 steps?

27. There are! Congratulations. 

6 Saddest Episodes of Television

Here’s a post for the day before Valentine’s Day!  (Colloquially: Desperation Day)

So, if you're feeling lonely and all you want to do is eat chocolate and cry, here are some episodes of television you can watch to really wallow in self pity. 

Saddest Episodes of Television. 

(SPOILERS. But you should know by now, really.)

1.     Jurassic Bark – Futurama

Because nothing is sadder than sad puppies. NOTHING!

Thank god for "Bender's Big Score" which mended the peices of my broken heart.

 

2.     I Remember You – Adventure Time

Watching someone you love lose themselves is rough.

It's impressive that a goofy animated show like Adventure Time Can pull this off, but it did. Well executed and poignant commentary on Alzheimer's and loss in a mere 11 minutes.

3.     Wilson’s Heart – House

Helplessness.

Also nominated for the imaginary award of best season finale. The way they build for two episodes to reveal Amber's condition was suspenseful, and the fact that Wilson, the most genuine, likeable and real character in the series loses the one woman he's ever loved? HEART BREAKING.


(See, this is helping, isn't it? You spending Valentine's day alone with your cat and a bottle of wine, not so bad, right?)

 

4.     Now or Never – Grey’s Anatomy

 

 The Unexpected.

When people say Television is the root of all evil, I can only assume they are talking about this

episode of television, which will play with your heart like a cat playing with it's prey. It just toys

with you, you think Izzie is on her way out, and then BAM! Elevator scene in Izzie's with George

standing there? CAT HAS JUST KILLED YOU AND IS NOW BRINGING YOU TO THE

BACK PORCH TO GIVE TO IT'S MASTER.

(This episode is also before the show starts getting so dramatic it's hard to care about character's

well being because Seattle Grace is obviously built over an Indian burial ground or something and

everyone that works there is cursed. )

5.     Once More With Feeling – Buffy The Vampire Slayer

 Sneaking in the Sadness

 This is the saddest musical ever. Sadder than Les Mis. For sure. The scene where Buffy confesses to Spike that the Scooby Gang basically tore her out of heaven to come live back in hell on earth (literally, Sunnydale = Hellmouth) is such a contrast to the songs of the episode it feel like a stake through the heart. (Puns!)

6.     Through The Looking Glass - Lost

For Love!

CHARLIE! Saddest Death on the show.  He drowns to save Claire. So romantic. But wait, no, BECAUSE DESMOND LIED TO HIM ABOUT CLAIRE GETTING RESCUED BY A HELICOPTER SO HE DIES FOR NO REASON!

I'll never forgive you for playing with my emotions like that, Lost.








So, see, you're not so lonely! At least your loved ones aren't perishing in tragic ways. And who wants roses anyways? They just slowly die on your kitchen table. And your cat is a really good snuggler, and chocolate will be in sale on Friday!

If you're still feeling bad because you have no Valentine, I'll be your valentine. I even got you a card.

Here you go:

You're special. Happy Valentine's Day!

 

I Am A Terrible Film Major

For about three years, it has been my new year's resolution to watch AFI's Top 100 Films. So far, the list I've got is pretty unimpressive. How did I ever get a film degree? Mysteries abounding.

 (I have watched like 28/30 of the  A.V. Club's Best TV Series of The 00's; but that just shows you where my priorities lie.)

1. Citizen Kane, 1941.

2. The Godfather, 1972.

3. Casablanca, 1942.

4. Raging Bull, 1980.

5. Singin' in the Rain, 1952.

6. Gone With the Wind, 1939.

7. Lawrence of Arabia, 1962.

8. Schindler's List, 1993.

9. Vertigo, 1958.

10. The Wizard of Oz, 1939.

11. City Lights, 1931.

12. The Searchers, 1956.

13. Star Wars, 1977.

14. Psycho, 1960.

15. 2001: A Space Odyssey, 1968.

16. Sunset Blvd., 1950.

17. The Graduate, 1967.

18. The General, 1927.

19. On the Waterfront, 1954.

20. It's a Wonderful Life, 1946.

21. Chinatown, 1974.

22. Some Like It Hot, 1959.

23. The Grapes of Wrath, 1940.

24. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, 1982.

25. To Kill a Mockingbird, 1962.

26. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, 1939.

27. High Noon, 1952.

28. All About Eve, 1950.

29. Double Indemnity, 1944.

30. Apocalypse Now, 1979.

31. The Maltese Falcon, 1941.

32. The Godfather Part II, 1974.

33. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, 1975.

34. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, 1937.

35. Annie Hall, 1977.

36. The Bridge on the River Kwai, 1957.

37. The Best Years of Our Lives, 1946.

38. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, 1948.

39. Dr. Strangelove, 1964.

40. The Sound of Music, 1965.

41. King Kong, 1933.

42. Bonnie and Clyde, 1967.

43. Midnight Cowboy, 1969.

44. The Philadelphia Story, 1940.

45. Shane, 1953.

46. It Happened One Night, 1934.

47. A Streetcar Named Desire, 1951.

48. Rear Window, 1954.

49. Intolerance, 1916.

50. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, 2001.

51. West Side Story, 1961.

52. Taxi Driver, 1976.

53. The Deer Hunter, 1978.

54. M-A-S-H, 1970.

55. North by Northwest, 1959.

56. Jaws, 1975.

57. Rocky, 1976.

58. The Gold Rush, 1925.

59. Nashville, 1975.

60. Duck Soup, 1933.

61. Sullivan's Travels, 1941.

62. American Graffiti, 1973.

63. Cabaret, 1972.

64. Network, 1976.

65. The African Queen, 1951.

66. Raiders of the Lost Ark, 1981.

67. Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, 1966.

68. Unforgiven, 1992.

69. Tootsie, 1982.

70. A Clockwork Orange, 1971.

71. Saving Private Ryan, 1998.

72. The Shawshank Redemption, 1994.

73. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, 1969.

74. The Silence of the Lambs, 1991.

75. In the Heat of the Night, 1967.

76. Forrest Gump, 1994.

77. All the President's Men, 1976.

78. Modern Times, 1936.

79. The Wild Bunch, 1969.

80. The Apartment, 1960.

81. Spartacus, 1960.

82. Sunrise, 1927.

83. Titanic, 1997.

84. Easy Rider, 1969.

85. A Night at the Opera, 1935.

86. Platoon, 1986.

87. 12 Angry Men, 1957.

88. Bringing Up Baby, 1938.

89. The Sixth Sense, 1999.

90. Swing Time, 1936.

91. Sophie's Choice, 1982.

92. Goodfellas, 1990.

93. The French Connection, 1971.

94. Pulp Fiction, 1994.

95. The Last Picture Show, 1971.

96. Do the Right Thing, 1989.

97. Blade Runner, 1982.

98. Yankee Doodle Dandy, 1942.

99. Toy Story, 1995.

100. Ben-Hur, 1959.